12.31.05

I just woke.. I don't really know what i'm feeling yet. I feel nothing.

Today is a cold day. Its pretty windy, cloudy, and wet.. and alone.. I don't feel numb. My mind and brain are still in tact, but i have no feelings. I suppose i just feel...alone.

Yesterday i played solitaire for an hour again, subconsciously. The majority of my mind was making it's way through my memory. I remembered every moment's feelings within the past two weeks or so. I remembered how things looked, tasted, smelled, sounded, and felt...everything. Strange enough, i'm trying to remember something...anything.. and nothings coming.

I suppose it's just a mixture of what today, yesterday, and tomorrow, are. That is what every point in time is, i think. "A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from the past through the present to the future," says Dictionary.com. Well put Dictionary.com, high five.

Someone opened my eyes to the saying "Everything happens because it's meant to happen." How to explain my thoughts, i don't know. Fate simply lies in our hands.

I write in this 'blog' for myself. Not to relive myself from anger, aggression, depression, or all of the above. I write for my latter self, and for the one and one's i love and care for. I'd like to be able to read and feel what i once thought and felt. I'd like for other's to be able to read and feel what i once felt. I would like for anything to be able to read and feel what i once felt. Text is a poor excuse, i know, but it helps me remember.. it helps me remember...

12.28.05

Sometimes i am overwhelmed with amazing moments... Just now, i awoke from a dreadful day of nothing. My mind was nowhere and i couldn't think at all. It was like i was swimming in the depths of nowhere...not breathing, or having the ability to see a thing.

Just now, though... i read something.

I saw light, and recognized a shallow spot within this 'nowhere.' Slow motion.. and i gasped for air, relieved of the long lost day, awaking to reality.


There are some things i wish i could change. Not that i can't in reality, but i simply do not have the will to. I wish i could say "Come back home. Everything is fine now..." but, it is not right to do so. It is wrong, if anything. Some things weren't meant to be altered, even if your desires speak otherwise.

If one were to purposely effect, it is their opportune to defect, in many cases. But.. sometimes one has to use their mind, and null the feelings and desires to fulfill what's best...whatever 'best' may be. Patience helps. And though, in my personal matters, it is not my purpose to 'defect,' i can still remain alive until tomorrow and pray for the best.

12.26.05

Once upon a time...

A man crept into a girl's life. Slowly, quickly, yet smoothly, he made his way into the heart of this girl. A part of her, he became. A part of him, she became. And the rest goes on and on and on..

I danced along the painted street-lines at Sunnyside Elementary, waiting on the stars to send me a sign. They didn't send me a sign. I found pictures within, though. The 'equalateral' triangle.. and other sweet memories. Even though yesterday, today, and tomorrow have been one of the most awkward times of my life, i can still feel comfort. God, or whatever you want to call it, lit my soul; kept my flame burning. Hope, or whatever you want to call it, lit my soul; kept my flame burning. Love, or whatever you want to call it, lit my soul; kept my flame burning. I call it beauty.

To rely on the future is something that requires stupidity or true beauty. That's how i see it, anyways..

The things i have been through have always been somewhat rough. There is always an answer, though. It is out there. Sometimes it will take years to find such an answer, and sometimes it will take almost no time at all. Time is not what heals. Whatever may be within that time, is what heals.

For the first time in my life, i am healed within seconds.

12.19.05

Yet another waste of a great mind,
filled to the brim with ignorance or integrity..
Valid mortals speak their word, preaching from their ears,
shading truth upon those who desire to hear.
Oh! Ignorant bliss! How dare you step foot on my ground;
Shading truth from me, who tries to comprehend,
comprehending what is now nothing but fault
...confusion at it's best.

But how hard it is,
this life,
this aching!
Take me home! Please, take me home!
Take me away from this hell of a world!
Such reality disgusts me!
And i pity such fate, that you've submerged from me.
This carnival ride is nothing but a fall,
deeper and deeper into never ending rest.
Confusion, abomination, and all of the above...
Oh, but what is this?
A "get out of jail, free" card..
Shall i use it?
Once...
Twice...
Consequence? No! Such horrid things, adieu.
For i have found a ride home.
I have found a new home..
Once...

Twice...



And yet, another waste of a great mind...

12.14.05

Ahh the sweet smell of winter break.

Yet another day of boredom has taken over my simple life. It was a good sense of boredom, though. For the past couple days i have crammed my hours with studying and homework and finals. I have also been preparing my room for a new paint job. I like the neutrals; browns and that sort. Something about them comfort me.

Occasionally, memories of highschool appear in my mind. I've been going to public school for my whole life, and just last year i decided to depart from it all. At first, freshman year seemed to look extremely casual and familiar. Further along the year friends grew apart and grouped within their own cliques. School was like a movie, the stereotypical 80's highschool movie. As time flew on, my views changed. Instead of looking at these groups with disgust, i would laugh, smile, and be on with myself. At lunch, i would sit alone and think. It seemed as if nothing could ever bother me, i was in peace. Sometimes kids would ask others, 'What happened to anthony? Why is he so sad all the time?' Heh, sad? No. I was so happy. I am happy. Just because songs are slow, it doesn't they are sad songs.

I plan on going back to Morro Bay High next year. I want to go back to Morro Bay High next year. I've been going to the local community college and gaining loads of credits, which should ease the amounts of homework i would have. I've also improved much with my drumming, and i figure the jazz band could benefit off of them, hopefully. I also have new friends now. I have old friends as well. Socially, i don't think I've missed out much, seeing how i am well off with the social life i have now. One thing i do miss, along with my times in Mr. Badrigian's english, or rather, philosophy class, i miss sitting by myself. Sitting along the three foot high wall by myself, looking at the sky, the incredible sky. I didn't know, nor care, that kids would be asking about my conditions, simply because it was they who didn't know, nor care. I wouldn't hear the commotion that they were making, either. I would be in my own world, my own peaceful world. Sitting alone, along the three foot high wall, by myself, thinking thoughts; it is one thing i am looking forward to, when i go back to Morro Bay High.

12.11.05

Thoughts of reality have overcome my mind. Thoughts meander through my mind, growing and growing as a tree from fresh soil, blooming into awe-inspiring images that are nearly indescribable. These images feel so true; they have a glow that surrounds them, enveloping the insecurely that may have been inside another's mind if they were to see such a thing. A gift..perhaps..

My thoughts are hard to explain, in which one other could understand them completely as i would like them to. I've spent time writing and explaining one of these 'images' i have seen:

Water half full or half empty, it is up to you to decide. Logically, we physically cannot change this. We cannot change the amount of water within this cup. It is simply either half full, or half empty depending on what your mind makes of it.

Now take reality. These are the definitions of reality.

1.The quality or state of being actual or true.
2.One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual: “the weight of history and political realities” (Benno C. Schmidt, Jr.).
3.The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.
4.That which exists objectively and in fact: Your observations do not seem to be about reality.

Now, we cannot fully change what exists, generally speaking. Just like the water in the cup, it simply exists how it is, physically. And, just like the water in the cup, reality is what our mind makes of it; 'it' being all these senses and memories and other variables that come to our bodies.

We, hopefully, trust our senses. When we feel something very hot, we react by pulling away. Our brain naturally trusts our senses. It is memories and other variables that allows us to know such a thing; when we feel something very hot, we pull away, for an example.

What if we could take that cup, that is halfway full/empty, and make it overflow, or even evaporate. The cup with water physically exists as “halfway full/empty,” but what if we could train our minds to overcome our senses and breakthrough to a whole new reality, one in which we can manipulate our own senses. Generally speaking, once again.

For example, what if we could feel cloth upon our arms, when there physically is no cloth that is there, generally by telling ourselves that there is something there. Or, a more familiar example, what if we could look at a spoon and make it bend without touching it, maybe not physically but within our minds. Such things, i do believe our minds are capable of. What if...

Some may think I'm a crazy person. I do not believe so. My definition of a 'crazy person' is quite simple, really: One whom acknowledged and retained overwhelmingly incredible power within the mind, yet could not handle or control it both physically and mentally, i consider is a crazy person. Now, one whom acknowledged and retained such power, and could control it.. i consider a genius.

Whether or not i truly am considered a genius, i do not know. What i do know is that i am human, like the rest of us. I am not 'superior' to another, and if anything, i am less superior to many, for i am more human than they. I do believe i have a gift, as of everybody else. A gift that is unique in a sense, and one that is truly our own. Let us not shade our eyes from such beauty; instead open our eyes and see truth.

12.7.05

Today was a fantastic day. As my dad strums his new steel-string in the living room, i feel a sensation of comfort. I am back.

For a couple weeks I've felt down, depressed if you may. Things in my mind were clouded, and i couldn't think properly. I would try to convince myself that i was fine and tell myself that i was, but i wasn't. It's weird how the mind works like that, how we can bring the false upon our true beliefs just because we want it that way.

Last night, i actually slept..erm.. went to bed, early. I layed for a while, eyes closed. About an hour passed when i gave up, turning on my computer to check emails and such. I read some incredible essays a friend wrote. It put a sense of comfort back into me, as if that was what i was missing, even though it may, very much, have been. I decided to go back to slee ..erm... bed. After laying for another hour or so, the clocks striking about midnight, i dozed off to sleep.

Today i decided not to sign onto AIM, for simple reasons really. One, i didn't feel like talking to other people, although i only talk to three, four on occasion, of the 161 people on my "buddy list." And two, i was too happy for AIM. I had no worries, and the feeling of insecurity have left. It was truly a brand new day, it is one thing i forget to keep in mind. As every bad day passes, tomorrow will be a new one; one you can carry your sorrows from the past into, or one you can live, simply for tomorrow. Oh, how i love living. Being alive is great, but living is prodigious.

I'm tired now, and will sleep hopefully. I pray everyone a good night and magnificent rest, for the new day of tomorrow.

12.6.05

This image in my mind, it truely is amazing...

Tonight i had another amazing conversation with my friend. She is an awesome girl. She is almost indescribable...

A quarrel was amongst us, and slight depression struck me. I signed off of AIM, which is where our conversation was held. I thought a bit, and realized how she might've felt, and considering it, i signed back on. We explained our relationship, our personal views, to each other. At first, to me, it felt as if we had different views upon our relationship. But gradually as our conversaion flowed on and on, i realized that once again, we can agree to each others thoughts. Dreams of mine, both having to do with career and 'marital situations,' so to speak, would come up as we talked...

How much thought i put into her, it truely is amazing. Every day i consider a new thought, or reconsider an old one; every single one being of such great quality. I have put more thought into other people such as my family, but never at such a rate. I've had the blessing of living with my family, but i haven't lived with her, and it is as if these thoughts are trying to catch up with the others.

"On the years we've missed not being together, how much we could have learned in them," She said.

I responded, "Yet, we have so many years to come, which i believe is a blessing."

The conversation went on...

" Its hard for me to depend on future, because i've seen it cut short, and all of those dreams crushed. So i live in the present."

"It is one thing...where...dreams: Do they... go on? Forever?" (We've discussed this topic earlier). I continued, "... Lets take these dreams, and live them."

A slight pause, and then a smiling emoticon. She said, "I learn from the past, live from the present, and pray for future."

That smiling emoticon... That stupid little emoticon, how it hit me. A flash of an image, and inspiration lit. It was as if i was there as she smiled, teary eyed in her room. How ironic, how she explained her thoughts upon the little emoticon; how she put so much thought into it, and how it meant a lot to her, too.

The flash of an image, and inspiration lit. It was as if i were there as she smiled, teary eyed in her room. Why it hit me so, was because i saw this image physically, which has never happened to me before. I saw her sitting there, smiling, in such a comfortable way; teary, but not messy. An untouchable expression among her face: inspiration, beauty. I still see it, but it is in my mind now. Such a beautiful image...

A memory i will never forget, all because of that little emoticon. That stupid little emoticon...

12.1.05

I can smell the holiday season, the crisp in the air. It rained a bit tonight and as i looked to the skies, drops of rain falling on my face, i felt full. Sometimes i feel this feeling of emptiness right below my rib cage, my gut. It is usually when stress has clouded my mind, not allowing me to think. There are moments when flashbacks appear, and happiness fills me. I remember things i once, or twice, felt inside. Feelings like depression, happiness, confusion, and all of the above. It makes me happy, "it" being these memories and the fact that i have the capability to remember.

About two years ago...wow two years already...two years ago i dealt with a stage of depression, the second one in my life. An intimate relationship i was in was falling apart. I felt very empty, seeing how i was losing someone i cared very much about. Sometimes i would tell my mom that i was going out, simply to take a walk. She knew about my life and she was, and still is, incredibly understanding. She would let me go, even if it was 11 at night. I would ride my longboard to the end of the road, and walk from there on a dirt trail that led to nowhere. Using my longboard as a cushion, i would lay on it and clear my mind. The stars have credit for that one. The beauty of the stars. Glistening...

The elementary school i went to, for my whole k-6th grades, was about a mile away from my house. Sometimes i would ride there and do the same. The same laying, the same thoughts. There is a wall that separates the blacktop from the sidewalk of the parking lot, it stands about five feet tall. I would lay on it, gazing at the stars. Deaming.

As i looked up at the nothingness of tonight, rain drizzling on my face...i remembered. It was about this time of two years ago, when i was depressed. Depressed about the times of what now is a memory. I would lay on my longboard and breathe in the crisp air...holiday season. I could smell it. And as i layed and looked up to the heavens and universe, drops of rain would fall on my face.
I felt full.