12.1.05
I can smell the holiday season, the crisp in the air. It rained a bit tonight and as i looked to the skies, drops of rain falling on my face, i felt full. Sometimes i feel this feeling of emptiness right below my rib cage, my gut. It is usually when stress has clouded my mind, not allowing me to think. There are moments when flashbacks appear, and happiness fills me. I remember things i once, or twice, felt inside. Feelings like depression, happiness, confusion, and all of the above. It makes me happy, "it" being these memories and the fact that i have the capability to remember.
About two years ago...wow two years already...two years ago i dealt with a stage of depression, the second one in my life. An intimate relationship i was in was falling apart. I felt very empty, seeing how i was losing someone i cared very much about. Sometimes i would tell my mom that i was going out, simply to take a walk. She knew about my life and she was, and still is, incredibly understanding. She would let me go, even if it was 11 at night. I would ride my longboard to the end of the road, and walk from there on a dirt trail that led to nowhere. Using my longboard as a cushion, i would lay on it and clear my mind. The stars have credit for that one. The beauty of the stars. Glistening...
The elementary school i went to, for my whole k-6th grades, was about a mile away from my house. Sometimes i would ride there and do the same. The same laying, the same thoughts. There is a wall that separates the blacktop from the sidewalk of the parking lot, it stands about five feet tall. I would lay on it, gazing at the stars. Deaming.
As i looked up at the nothingness of tonight, rain drizzling on my face...i remembered. It was about this time of two years ago, when i was depressed. Depressed about the times of what now is a memory. I would lay on my longboard and breathe in the crisp air...holiday season. I could smell it. And as i layed and looked up to the heavens and universe, drops of rain would fall on my face.
I felt full.
I can smell the holiday season, the crisp in the air. It rained a bit tonight and as i looked to the skies, drops of rain falling on my face, i felt full. Sometimes i feel this feeling of emptiness right below my rib cage, my gut. It is usually when stress has clouded my mind, not allowing me to think. There are moments when flashbacks appear, and happiness fills me. I remember things i once, or twice, felt inside. Feelings like depression, happiness, confusion, and all of the above. It makes me happy, "it" being these memories and the fact that i have the capability to remember.
About two years ago...wow two years already...two years ago i dealt with a stage of depression, the second one in my life. An intimate relationship i was in was falling apart. I felt very empty, seeing how i was losing someone i cared very much about. Sometimes i would tell my mom that i was going out, simply to take a walk. She knew about my life and she was, and still is, incredibly understanding. She would let me go, even if it was 11 at night. I would ride my longboard to the end of the road, and walk from there on a dirt trail that led to nowhere. Using my longboard as a cushion, i would lay on it and clear my mind. The stars have credit for that one. The beauty of the stars. Glistening...
The elementary school i went to, for my whole k-6th grades, was about a mile away from my house. Sometimes i would ride there and do the same. The same laying, the same thoughts. There is a wall that separates the blacktop from the sidewalk of the parking lot, it stands about five feet tall. I would lay on it, gazing at the stars. Deaming.
As i looked up at the nothingness of tonight, rain drizzling on my face...i remembered. It was about this time of two years ago, when i was depressed. Depressed about the times of what now is a memory. I would lay on my longboard and breathe in the crisp air...holiday season. I could smell it. And as i layed and looked up to the heavens and universe, drops of rain would fall on my face.
I felt full.
posted by Anthony at 10:17 PM
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