i kept telling myself, "July will be better," because that's when my classes are going to be over. that's when some friends get back from their trips. that's when she gets back. it's almost july, now. things are better.
i realized that my blog is non other than the occasional late night with a depressed kid who is slowly
disintegrating.

This morning, i realized it's gone. i only remember it. i don't want it anymore. i don't long for it anymore.
love.
thinking about it makes me sad. i'm glad it still makes me sad. i'm glad that i'm not bitter or angry about it. i just hope that i can get better. it's not like it is always on my mind, but i'm reminded about it a lot. i've tried my best to forget, but that didn't work and would've just been a sad way to end things anyways.
i look forward to being in love again. with someone who is right, this time. i think that once everything starts clearing up, mainly band stuff and school, i'll be a lot happier than i was before. it's like i can experience everything all over again.

I'm done. I'm spent. I can't take it anymore.
Get the fuck out of my head.

I was on AOL instant messenger tonight, and after typing one of those little sad face emoticons, :( like that, i realized that i had sent the same thing to every other message box that was open. There was maybe seven of them. I just sort of sat there, looking at the one in the center. He looked back at me, depressed. I panicked and closed the box.

I'm so sorry.

when i looked into this girl's eyes (they were green, deep) i could feel the warmth and chill of this unfamiliar innocence. It wasn't right to have, at this age. it doesn't seem right at this age. How can you be so perfect. how can you go about like you did, like you didn't notice the black in my eyes, in the middle of all of our eyes, everyone's except yours. maybe i just don't see it. maybe i just can't fathom the maturity it takes to become an entity like you are. maybe some things are just too real for the rest of us to comprehend.